sad movies always made grandma cry…….
grandma and i watched a lot of tv together when i was young ( sometimes i miss her so much, i wished there was a medicine i could eat to take away the pain of just missing her) she was a real softie and she often cried over sad movies.
she always said that – “when you grow older, you cry a lot more because you relate better to different types of emotions”.
it never made sense to me till lately.
i cry a lot these days but it’s not tears of sadness. most of the time, i cry because i get really really overwhelmed. i was watching eason chen’s concert the other day and i cried. i have never cried at a concert before but i did. that wave of emotions that i felt really shocked me.
i have to try and explain to you why i cried. i thought about his story – eason’s dad had wanted him to be an architect and right before his final exam, he took a flight home and he took part in a talent show. like they say, the rest is really history.
when you see eason on stage, there was no way in hell he could have been an architect. he loved performing so much. when he closed his eyes and sang, you know eason had found his reason for being.
when i left my job last month, i made a list of things i wanted to do – things i have always wanted – i can’t tell you how happy i have been lately. i have always believed that when you open your heart for change, somehow; stars will align. somehow, somewhere. somehow, lately i have only been meeting wonderful people who found their reason of being and that really overwhelms me.
i have noticed things i have never noticed before until recently.
a day before i came back to hong kong, i went to grandma’s grave to visit her. i went for a walk after that. like i say, i like stories about people. when you a living person amongst the dead, you will realize what you have that they don’t – these people are the past because i do not ascribe myself to the belief that there is an after life – i f***king want to live my life like as though there is none. i did a general calculation in my head – the average person live 60 years ( with the general improvement of healthcare, i’d say i can push the median to about 65- 70) that is all we have and i am already 31 years old – halfway there.
i don’t want to waste time. when i die someday, please just don’t let me die with someone delivering my eulogy and telling the world – “oh she was a nice girl”. that is my nightmare. i want to be known as someone who lived as honestly as possible, when i say honestly – i mean, i am being honest to myself. i just want to find my reason for being. i know what is my reason for being and i hope you find yours too.